Its crazy how after everything one puts you through, and how you stand by them through EVERY little thing, no matter how big or small - In this case BIG, bigger than any 16 year old girl could’ve handled - no matter much it hurt you, they forget, and they have NO appreciation for how good you were to them. No appreciation for they love you gave them, how you stuck by them even when it was so so clear that you should leave. When its all over, they forget. Even after you wish them well, they forget. Then they wonder why you choose to be with and love someone else. Someone who is so good to you in a way they never were, in a way you never could. You are incapable of loving selflessly, you are selfish, you are ungrateful, you are sad, I am sad for you because when its all said and done, I do care about you but not enough to call you and ask about life. If your cologne was all I loved, I would’ve left the second you said “I have a baby with her”. But its fine, you can choose to forget all of that. It doesnt take anything away from me, or my happiness. You know what though, even if he does hurt me, No One will EVER hurt me they way you did.
This is the year that made me realise that I am blessed. I have been through quite a bit but I have reached a place that I found comfort in. I am blessed and damnit i have a lot going for me. I need to remember that.
I find myself becoming a bit of an insecure person and allowing failure to cripple me . This is not me, and I need to be stronger than this.
Oh gosh. I dont know how I feel since we’ve officially parted ways. Im relieved that all the heart suffering is over but fuck I miss you, the beautiful you. Not the one that made me hate myself but the one that reminded me how lucky he was to have me & how amazing I was. We were amazing together in more ways than one & now its all over. I just cant wrap my head around it all. I dont know if I can get over it, if I can ever love again. I hope we meet again in the distant future, to finish what we’ve started & live our lives as we planned. I fucking hate you right now but only because I still love you. More than anything. Nothing will ever take away what you’ve taught me in this life & all the you were to me. Im scared to live without you keeping me strong & being the man that I needed, my man! I know Im only 19 but I love you & even though we’re over & A LOT would have to change, I still want to grow old with you. I need to let go of you for now, so we can be both happy & sane (eventually). And so that we give the people we meet after each other a fair chance to fight in this thing called love. No one must be punished or disadvantaged because we hurt each other. We must like (maybe even love) fairly & genuinely and not hurt our future partners like we hurt each other. Nobody deserves that. I honestly hope you forgive me for the pain Ive caused & I will try everyday to forgive you & find peace. Goodbye & I love you Mbakiso.
Well in the past two weeks, I have been through so many different emotions. The love of my life and I broke up, due to the distance and the fact that he was trying me like shit. How did I deal with it? Well naturally I was devastated and cried my soul out, until I couldn’t cry anymore, until I was okay. A few days later, I finally found the happiness I was looking for all this time. I realised I couldn’t find it because he was standing in the way of it, I was blinded into thinking my happiness was where he is, when in actual fact its been here all along. It took losing him to find it. I am the happiest I’ve been since the year begun and I don’t plan on having him ruin it for me. Yes, of course I miss him. He played a huge role in me life. I thought he was my soul mate. Maybe he is hey, time will tell. I just don’t think that we are good for each other right now and we should just stop forcing matters and move without each other. If we are really meant to be, we will get back together when the time is right for both of us. Right now I need to do me and continue being happy, besides I’m young and there are many young, single and yuuummy boys out there… It is varsity after all :)