Well in the past two weeks, I have been through so many different emotions. The love of my life and I broke up, due to the distance and the fact that he was trying me like shit. How did I deal with it? Well naturally I was devastated and cried my soul out, until I couldn’t cry anymore, until I was okay. A few days later, I finally found the happiness I was looking for all this time. I realised I couldn’t find it because he was standing in the way of it, I was blinded into thinking my happiness was where he is, when in actual fact its been here all along. It took losing him to find it. I am the happiest I’ve been since the year begun and I don’t plan on having him ruin it for me. Yes, of course I miss him. He played a huge role in me life. I thought he was my soul mate. Maybe he is hey, time will tell. I just don’t think that we are good for each other right now and we should just stop forcing matters and move without each other. If we are really meant to be, we will get back together when the time is right for both of us. Right now I need to do me and continue being happy, besides I’m young and there are many young, single and yuuummy boys out there… It is varsity after all :)
2. be broken.
3. pray again.
4. write/draw/sing. whatever you want. just create something beautiful.
5. if it is the daytime, do not shut out the light. let it pull you together. and if it is night, sit obstinately in the lull of it.
6. bury your fears, even if only for a moment. your future has already forgotten them.
7. forgive yourself.
8. forgive yourself.
9. forgive yourself.
10. remember you are only human.
and repeat as necessary.
Not everyone is okay with living like an open wound. But the thing about open wounds is that, well, you aren’t ignoring it. You’re healing; the fresh air can get to it. It’s honest. You aren’t hiding who you are. You aren’t rotting. People can give you advice on how to heal without scarring badly. But on the other hand there are some people who’ll feel uncomfortable around you. Some will even point and laugh. But we all have wounds.
Wow, haven’t written in months. I think I’ve been stuck more than anything. don’t know what to say. Well once again I’m depressed (surprise surprise). I’m always depressed. and if I’m happy, its never for too long, I want to change it but I don’t know how. well… there’s so much and so little (because I cant remember most of it) that’s happened since we last spoke.
I moved from home to a whole new city to start my life as a university student leaving behind my family and friends. People I miss the most: my mom, little brother and helper… and my dad a little. I know he misses me a lot but he is my annoying dad so its nice to get away sometimes. I don’t miss my brothers much. I’m glad I’m finally away from… him.
Well university has been okay. I made friends but nothing like the friends I had back home. they’re also awesome but I miss my best friends a hell of a lot. I guess its hard feeling close to my new ones cause friendships are still being built and stuff. Oh God I’m so lonely here I could die. The only friend I have to talk to is a guy which is different ‘cause back home I hardly had close guy friends, I had one of my brothers.
‘What makes this entire thing worse is that I ended up where I didn’t want to end up. and my boyfriend ended up where I wanted to be. That depresses the shit out of me, you have no idea. He is living the life I wanted… without me. He is always too fucking busy, leaving me lonely and fucking depressed.
School on the other hand is hectic, I’m struggling and I’m starting to question if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Whenever I tell people I’m struggling they give me the same reply “nothing you cant handle right?” as its a sure thing that I’m going to succeed. its a compliments but gosh damnit I want to be able to struggle and complain about it. More than anything, I’m tired of being asked about school whenever a family member calls. My answer isn’t going to change people!
I’m emotionally and mentally alone and dying. Everyone seems so happy with their lives, it breaks my heart to know how miserable I am. I cry almost every night, silently of course… wouldn’t want to wake me roommate. Worst part if that people are scared of me here. I wont lie, I kinda like it. Don’t want people thinking they can mess with me but problem is its stopping me from making new friends. I need friends hey. My relationship is falling apart and I was questioning if I still want to be apart of it. I still am. A lot has to change or I am finally pulling the plug. It would probably be the hardest thing to do/deal with but I refuse to be brought down by someone that’s supposed to be saving me from myself. then again he’s probably tired of doing that. A little time and attention would be great. I just want someone to treat me like a fucking princess.
My friends are happy, my boyfriend is happy. All without me. AMAZING huh??!
I need some excitement in my life. Get drunk more. Get high for the first time. Go to the beach. Skinny dip in the night time. Enjoy varsity. Wish my boyfriend was here to enjoy it with me but I’ll have to do it without him.
I miss home. Not the place but the people there, they were so much more fun and open minded compared to the people here. I thought I would’ve warmed up to the place already but I haven’t. I hate it here, more than I hated home. At least my bestfriend (my mom) calls me every single day, making me feel better.
I pray life generally gets better for me or I see myself falling into a pit of depression. I need to learn to save myself and enjoy myself.
To whoever’s reading this, please pray for me. I pray I get better and start being happy…and stay happy.
It’s so sad that I’m here reconnecting with my family yet I can’t enjoy it because all our problems are draining me. I can’t enjoy my life with all these problems we have but won’t fix. I’m so unhappy, I haven’t been happy in a very long time.